Aunt Martha, Big Sports, Golf, Golfing - The "Geriatric Golfing Glossay"

Article from July/August 2008 Issue of Big Sports

If you’re a golfer or just play golf or have just thought of playing golf or maybe know someone who has played golf … or maybe just know where there is a golf course… then this is for you. Here it is again the 4th of July and we always get excited around the Home. Some around here get excited because it means they start decorating for Christmas. For the sane ones at the Home, it means the Nationwide PGA Golf Tournament is on its way. We are ready. We have been in training for several weeks as we prepare for our jobs as marshals. We have been going to the mall and practicing crowd control. Maxine was out in front of Victoria Fancy Store holding up a “HOLD PLEASE” sign. She had a chance to meet several really nice security guards as well. At church last Sunday, Father Hub had to call down Slim Kenny for holding his homemade sign that said “QUIET” on one side and “SHUT UP” on the other. He was holding it high above his head as he was singing in the choir and pointing it toward the old ladies’ section!

We always get excited about the tournament because Jerald usually gives us free food in the big tent. Plus, we’re all pumped about the color of the shirts this year. Maxine is always “on point” waiting for a Ned sighting!

As we approach the tournament this year, we wanted to share a few things with our golfing family in the community and around the world. You see … at the Home, if we can’t remember a word our maybe have English as a second language (just after country music) we make up our words. Some have been pretty good and have made it out of town.

One word was LACTOSMANGULATION: Destroying one side of a milk carton requiring to rotate and use the other side.

A second word most recently created by Naomi was Hillarious: Sudden onset of joy resulting from not hearing her voice.

We want to share with you the Geriatric Golfing Glossary: words we have created to describe what we see and love in the golfing community.

Premature/swing/ulation: Rapid uneven movement of the golf club. Usually before golfer is ready or prepared.

Swaggle/interruptious: Tee box routine is disturbed by non-golfing activity requiring lengthy do-overs

Shy Putter: A golfer who has trouble putting in front of others.

Tiger/fied: Fear of a sudden-death play-off.

Tape/i/tating: Imitating a golfer (Tiger) by taping fingers on right hand (for no reason)

Yuppie Doo: Partially used expensive cigars scattered all over the course. Too weak to smoke entire cigar. Looks like doo!

Yuppie Down: Weak yuppie that smokes entire cigar.

Stevied: Being yelled at or having caddy-jerking camera away.

Pity Pose: Striking a well-rehearsed pose after missing a “Makeable put” usually involves thumb and middle finger gently placed in the eyes.

Oak/a phobia: Nationwide players fear of Oak tree on #10

Tater up: Local term for shut up. Usually spoken to idiot in the crowd yelling, “Get in the hole.” Refers to inserting a potato in the mouth of the idiot!

Phone Finger: Non-verbal communication from others to idiot’s friend using cell phone on the golf course.

Phil/finders: Name for gallery helping to find your tee shot.

Golf/ing/angelo: Golfer who draws on his balls to identify them.

Caddy envy: Caddies who know they are better than their golfer.

Rope/gropers: Those who push the ropes to grope the tour.

Friendly Fire: Your slice is so bad even you have to duck.

Ranger Rick: The golfer who hits perfect, impressive shots on the Range and goes O.B. on the first tee.

Mother Father Sister Brother: What some golfers seem to say if you read their lips.

Hammonsed/Getting Hammonsed:
Refers to meeting Mr. Hammons on the 18th green on Sunday. A life-changing experience.

And finally...
Play Well: What we wish for every member of the Nationwide Tour.

And, if you’re lucky, you might meet Maxine, Naomi, Cecil, Slim Kenny, Father Hub or even me...Aunt Martha. We’re always there… somewhere!